There is a great deal of writing by psychologists, whose eminence or credentials I cannot specifically vouch for, warning people off "the Narcissist", and advising on how best to overcome the injuries inflicted by these sadistic individuals. Since a simple search of "narcissistic personality disorder" will yield plentiful hits of this kind, there is little point in me indicating specific pages here.
You get a sense of narcissists as almost subhuman, cunning and skillful manipulators, which seems to me to conflict with the idea of the disorder being more or less subconscious. Also many pages speak about "the narcissist", which sounds like the name of a Hollywood film, like "The terminator", and all colour is lost to black and white depictions of inherent and ineluctable malevolence.
I don't believe, with my gaze cast backward, that I have wrought such destruction in the lives of others, and it seems to me, typically narcissistic as this may sound, that I am the one who has suffered the brunt of my own destructive tendencies, which is to say that the disorder, at least as it is manifest in me, is inherently self destructive. I find myself mid-thirties, suffering the same feelings as I had when I was seventeen and had my first experience of love and romantic attachment. All of the women I failed to love along the way, a small number, seem to live perfectly normal lives.
I do not, by this, intend to downplay any suffering they may have been caused by being with me, and dealing with me, and am very grateful for the patience they showed and the love they freely gave me, and only sorry that my attempts to return it were, in the end, so farcical and confusing.
Although one girlfriend, the one with whom I had the longest relationship, finding it difficult to understand my reactions or lack thereof, did call me a monster, still there were real moments of tenderness between us, and we are still on good terms, as I am with almost all of the women I have been with.
Quite far from a lack of empathy, I was very concerned about how my own foolishness was affecting them and felt very guilty about the hurt I sometimes caused and tried, in so far as I could, to avoid this. Far from a skillful manipulator, I was more like a bungling idiot, which is not to say that I have never acted callously or selfishly or blamelessly. My relationships were always on/off as I tried to juggle desire and love with hatred and repulsion; the latter I kept to myself, and was as much self-hatred as hatred of the other. For the most part, this juggling act was a failure, and now I am alone where as they have moved on.
Nor do I intend to diminish the hurt done to others by narcissistic people, but only ask for a more plural attitude towards narcissists as human and distinct from each other, and people who in the end still suffer, so that we cannot talk about "the narcissist" and fill the web with stories of their singular and homogeneous evil. They have agency, as do those that have relationships with them. If I am painting a tragic hero here, that is only partly intentional.
You might say that I do not have this condition; I am inclined to agree with you, but I am also inclined to listen to the psychiatrist and psychologist who insist that I do. Perhaps, more often than not, a-typical is typical! And it seems callous to complain of a lack of empathy by responding with the same. Peace!
For a more robust and informed reaction to vilification of NPD, see here...in which the author discusses the views of Sam Vaknin, author and self proclaimed narcissist, and chief antagonist in the dissemination of hatred.
note: the link is
For another perspective, see an interesting blog called An Upturned Soul
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