Ticking Boxes!

If it is true that I have this narcissistic personality structure/disorder, then a first step toward dealing with it, would be to assume that the psychiatrist and psychologist know better than I what they are talking about.

Below are a list of symptoms associated with this condition (a human one after all), and some brief comments about how I feel I fit with them. Although I will be as honest as I can, it is an obvious point that my view of the thing will probably not coincide entirely with that of someone who has known me well and dealt with me at close quarters. In the same vein, two different people may not see me in the same way. Maybe a little more on that later.

• Has a grandiose sense of self-importance (e.g., exaggerates achievements and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without commensurate achievements)

I sometimes tell people that I have a Master's degree: in truth I failed it, although in my defence I was writing it in the middle of an episode, the worst I had had to date, panic and depression and the common story of a relationship I could find no peace with, neither by staying nor leaving. Later, I would receive ECT. As far as excuses go, it is at least documentable through medical files and prescriptions. Never the less, I do not have a Masters but have felt the need to prove something by saying I did.

Often, I joke about being a genius, but I am not so sure it is a joke; on some level I think I believe it. Despite the fact that I have read only a moderate amount, and generally on an array of differing topics, I believe this moderate investment gives me the authority to make conclusive statements on those topics that ought to be taken as gospel by my audience. Around those I suspect to have read more, I tend to be a little more understated, if not altogether mute.

Truth is I have achieved very little, been lazy, and yes, a part of me expects deference. To those that do defer, I can be nice but am often outright offensive and patronizing and condescending. From those who do not, I try to keep my distance, from which safe distance I will make scathing remarks at their expense. 

So, at the very least, this is to some extent true about me.

• Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love

These two are clearly connected. Yes, I imagine myself doing some great deed, which deed itself tends to vary from day to day, depending on the flavour of the moment. I imagine myself as an adonis, seething wooer of women, as leader of some radical organisation, revolutionary....etc etc. This fits. Do I really believe these imaginings? I seem to believe that I have the potential to be any of these things, but for the most part stick to Dylan Moran's dictum, that potential is something best left alone, untapped, for fear of a head on collision with reality.

• Believes that he or she is “special” and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other special or high-status people (or institutions)

Must be true, based on what has gone before.

• Requires excessive admiration

Do I value admiration above love? I think so. The latter I find it difficult to understand; in fact I understand love as a purely selfish thing, self sustaining and parasitic, since the person in love seeks above all to sustain their feeling of love, and only tends to the other as a basis for sustaining that feeling, so that once that feeling starts to wane, so to does concern with the other. Those, I realise, are very cynical and bitter words, so I reiterate, I don't really understand love. Am I alone in that?

• Has a very strong sense of entitlement, e.g., unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations

This one stumps me. I think of myself as reasonably compromising, and I do things for other, people. I don't expect people to do things just because I want them to. I often do things just to please others. I guess not everything I do need necessarily be contained under the rubric of Narcissism. There are bound to be aspects of my personality that do not fit. 

• Is exploitative of others, e.g., takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends

This one too stumps me. I really don't think so, but maybe you should ask a third party. At least I don't think I do this more than the average person, but then theory tells me that I have a very skewed idea of the average person.

• Lacks empathy, e.g., is unwilling to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others

At times this is true, at other times not. I don't know. I feel I am generally empathic and score low here.

• Is often envious of others or believes that others are envious of him or her

Probably true to some extent, but not to a pathological extent, perhaps within the parameters of general human behaviour, in so far as I can be trusted to have a balanced sense of what that is.

• Regularly shows arrogant, haughty behaviors or attitudes

True true True.